Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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