if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
