I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
