Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
