its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
