I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
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