I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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