Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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