I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
