i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
