I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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