Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
