My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
