This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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