Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
