I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
