but the lizard people decide everything anyway
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
