My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
