i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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