dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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