I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
