Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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