i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
