She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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