You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
