I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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