he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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