please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
then he tried to convert me to islam
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
