I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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