if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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