God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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