The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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