It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
