Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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