my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
