yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
