need another drink. this is the easiest way
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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