help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
