What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
