Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
