I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
