dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
ok first of all what the fuck
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
