Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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