I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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