I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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