Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
