omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
