it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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