Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
