well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
