I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I touched a dick in church today
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Help. Why am I so naked?
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