thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
