i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
