there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
home. puking in laundry basket.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
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