Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
