I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
