At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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