I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
