I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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