Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Randomize