i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
