Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
